


Firefly; or, An Apology

by yuutsuhime



Series: Firefly [2]
Category: Persona 3
Genre: Character Study, Drifting Apart, F/F, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Kissing, Lowercase, Renamed Minako, Robot/Human Relationships, Sexual Tension, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 04:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18865399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuutsuhime/pseuds/yuutsuhime
Summary: After the end of Persona 3, Aigis, Junpei, and Yukari struggle with their changing friendship and their imminent graduation from high school.





	Firefly; or, An Apology

**Author's Note:**

> the main character is a trans woman named hotaru. aigis is a confused nobinary girl. this story isn't about queer identity so these don't officially come up but this is the ongoing headcanon i'm working with.
> 
>  **cw:** this story contains consensual romantic activity that is also deeply unhealthy and disturbing for the people involved. i wasn't sure how to succinctly describe and content warn for this...
> 
>  **author's note:** yes, i'm still sad and very much not over it.

aigis is a high school senior.

after a week she realizes that it's weird; and after that, she realizes she doesn't even know _who_ was responsible for getting her into another grade. for aigis, going back to school was natural, even though she could have just powered down for another ten years and forgotten herself in a storage locker somewhere.

instead, aigis is a ghost in the shell of a girl. she takes everything literally and spends most of her homework time trying to make her handwriting seem less perfect. if she's not alive she approximates it well enough. this performance has become mundane – _expected_ of her, almost – and somehow that makes her feel more like a robot than anything her body does.

every time she steps foot in the school building, she thinks about hotaru.

not just the abstract concept – the girl aigis "must protect" – but the physical, raw being of her; the fine hairs on her arms that were only visible if aigis got close enough. the person who breathed, and fixed her hair, and left bobby pins everywhere like she was accidentally marking her territory; the same person who left the pins aigis still finds and holds to herself as if they keep aigis tethered to _something_ – a future, a past? an idea of a girl, or maybe just a girl?

aigis enters the school locker room and finds it the same as it ever was.

#### ***

aigis spends too much time on the school roof. as in, when aigis waves down to junpei, junpei tells aigis not to jump a bit too loudly. _i have a titanium reinforced exoskeleton –_ aigis responds, also a bit too loudly, but junpei still looks down at his feet and walks out in search of some restaurant he'd never been to before.

aigis has gone with him, once or twice. she's gone with him exactly seven times, but aigis has learned to say 'once or twice' because junpei says that _people don't remember things that well_. after junpei says this he considers it again and says _well –_ and then goes silent, and aigis learns not to ask him about hotaru.

after aigis asks junpei, _who is your best friend now,_ she realises that she's still asking junpei about hotaru even though she's technically asking about himself.

 _sorry,_ aigis says. she's learned to apologize for things she doesn't understand.

 _how is the food,_ junpei asks. they've gone out to a chain restaurant because junpei can't remember sitting across from hotaru anywhere. aigis still wants to know if junpei has a best friend because his best friend now should have been his second-best friend a month ago, but maybe aigis is wrong again.

junpei usually forgives aigis by calling her _learning_.

 _your ramen is unusually high in sodium –_ aigis says.

 _it's salty,_ says junpei.

 _am i gay,_ says aigis.

 _what,_ says junpei, and so aigis repeats. junpei says he heard her the first time, but he wants to know who called her that.

 _i hear people say it in the hall sometimes,_ says aigis.

 _can't help what other people think,_ junpei says.

 _am i cold,_ aigis says.

_i dunno, are you?_

aigis thinks. _i have determined that i don't know. but other people –_

_screw what other people think. about you or me. you are who you are._

_i guess,_ aigis says. as usual, she eats nothing.

#### ***

aigis has eaten food once, a few days after the end of march, when she felt the least human. it rotted inside her chest and caked her finger joints when she scraped it out. everything inside her was dirty and festering, just in different shapes, in the wrong texture, and not at all how a human would rot. when she hugged junpei he shook her off and they slept in the same bed anyway.

#### ***

after yukari tells maiko and her family, aigis slips out of the shadows in the shrine. yukari is still the only one who can say hotaru's name out loud, even if it's just once.

 _i feel like i'm going to vomit,_ yukari says. aigis holds yukari's arm; not just because they only have one umbrella.

 _i'm sorry i was jealous of you,_ yukari says.

 _i don't understand,_ aigis says.

 _it doesn't really matter now, i guess._ yukari is starting to breathe normally again. _it wasn't anything to get attached over. we just... were close. for a bit. and maybe just because we both _needed_ someone then._

 _i understand,_ aigis says. what she really means is that she's sorry.

 _i know,_ yukari says, and waits. _i don't want you to think that's why i miss her._

 _i know,_ aigis says.

 _i can't believe she was just a kid,_ yukari continues.

aigis isn't sure if yukari is talking about maiko or hotaru. _i know,_ aigis says. they keep walking, and yukari doesn't stop holding aigis' hand. when they kiss, aigis searches for hotaru on yukari's lips and they both know it's wrong.

#### ***

aigis doesn't know what she'll do after graduation, or whether everyone will drift apart more than they already have. aigis hears someone say _the real friends you'll make are in college_ and believes it.

 _let's go to ramen,_ junpei tells aigis. it's not a question.

 _i can't eat,_ aigis says.

_i know, but could you just pretend?_

junpei looks down after he speaks, like he can feel aigis bristle.

 _you're pretending that i'm hotaru, aren't you,_ aigis says.

 _no,_ junpei says, a bit too loudly, and then he sits down on a bench.

 _it's not fair,_ says aigis. junpei waits for aigis to continue, and so aigis does: _i'm not her but i'm living _her_ life anyway. i don't know why i'm going to school. i don't want to be her._

 _i'm sorry,_ junpei says, stops, and then continues. _you were right. about what –_

 _how could you,_ aigis says. she's thinking about yukari now.

 _i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing, okay? is that what you wanted to –_ junpei stops himself and takes a breath. _maybe i just wanted a friend, i don't know._

 _a best friend?_ aigis says.

 _don't say that,_ junpei says, and walks away with a curt _see you._

#### ***

aigis doesn't know what she'll do after graduation because she was either supposed to be a pile of scrap metal or with hotaru. instead, she sits on the floor of her room, turning her heart over in her hands, wondering if she _could_ make the two people closest to her any further away.

junpei knocks on aigis' door and asks to come in.

 _sure,_ aigis says. junpei sits down on the floor.

 _i'm sorry that i did that, and lashed out at you like that,_ junpei says.

 _i did the same thing,_ aigis says, a bit too abruptly.

 _no, you didn't,_ says junpei.

 _i did to yukari,_ aigis says. _and i feel bad._

 _i think we all don't know what to do,_ junpei says, shrugging. _that's why everything just kinda sucks._

 _i'm also sorry,_ aigis says.

 _thanks,_ junpei says.

aigis doesn't need to breathe, but she pretends to for a while, and maybe it helps. maybe the right word for what exists between them is loneliness – but then again, junpei has chidori – and again, aigis feels her jealousy swirling up inside her like knots. she wants to push junpei away but not even because of something. maybe it's because whenever they're together, aigis can see whenever junpei thinks about hotaru; see his face darken whenever someone assumes it was a breakup or something else worth getting over. maybe it's because whenever they're together, aigis can tell that junpei is just a boy with a dead friend.

junpei has never told aigis that he resents her, but aigis can tell he remembers every time aigis told hotaru she would protect her. how she said it with conviction, like a denial.

#### ***

aigis knocks on yukari's door. they haven't spoken in a week.

 _oh,_ says yukari.

 _i'm sorry i kissed you. it wasn't right,_ aigis says.

yukari sighs. _thanks. i was just going to sleep, actually, and –_

 _oh, sorry,_ says aigis. she's is making it awkward.

 _it's okay. really. thanks,_ says yukari. _i'd like if we could stick together... not like in that way, but. I just –_

 _i'll try,_ says aigis.

_i'm here for you, you know. there's no right or wrong way to like... experience someone die. i guess._

_what?_ asks aigis.

_huh?_

_you said my name –_

_i said, 'i guess',_ yukari clarifies.

_oh._

_sorry about that..._

_it's okay. goodnight,_ says aigis.

 _goodnight,_ says yukari.

#### ***

yukari and junpei are studying in the first floor common area when aigis comes home. aigis sits next to them and says nothing for a while. she wants to say, _i wish she was here,_ but she knows everyone already agrees and putting hotaru back into the air would choke them. it's a fact that lives in the space now, as if their silence were an invitation for hotaru to say something eventually. as if their silence could become the glue that holds them together after graduation breaks them apart.

aigis looks at the two of them, and knows that she's seen them sweaty, bloodied, crying, naked; she's seen their souls bared and still can't determine if either of them accepted her apology, or how many times she should apologize, or whether it would be worth it to. maybe their friendship would be more beautiful if it ended gracefully and naturally at the end of the year. they could never forget each other even if they wanted to. maybe that was the most painful thing about it.

 _i wish she was here,_ aigis says.

yukari nods, and offers the seat next to her.

 _sorry,_ aigis whispers, and looks at the floor. in the dust, aigis finds a bobby pin and absently cleans it and puts it in her hair. she doesn't know whether she wants to stay or excuse herself to her room. fireflies play in the grass outside the dorm, warm, their lights trailing off like thoughts.


End file.
